Day 5

Holly had an ok night. She was sick once a few times and also quite restless.

The doc came round this morning and she told Holly that, although she was feeling rubbish, she promised that she would be feeling better very soon. I could tell Holly didn't believe her!

She told me she didn't want me to go home but, for the sake of the both of us, I needed to. I really needed to see Ben and the Little Monsters. We have had a lovely afternoon. It was Little Cousins Gracies birthday so we spent the afternoon with them playing in the garden. I had a wonderful phone call while there. Holly had instructed Dad to call me to let me know she was "fine". She had been up and had a bath and was currently reading some magazines. I was so happy to hear this. She hasn't moved (apart from the toilet) from her bed for the last couple of days, so this felt like a huge breakthrough.

She was sleeping when I called later and didn't need me back. Therefore we have had a lovely dinner and a sneaky few glasses of wine. Much appreciated...

Day 4

Holly has been quite restless. She doesn't seem to be able to get into that deep sleep to have quality rest.

Her temperature is still up a bit so the docs decided to do a CT scan to check to see if there is any infection in her chest. This was clear so we are still in the dark as to where the infection is but this is also "quite normal". Although it is reassuring to know what Holly is going through is normal it doesn't make it any easier. The docs have added another antibiotic to the mix to try and clear the infection. Her heart rate has also been up today but again this is normal when fighting off infection and they will just keep an eye on it.

She has been very sick again today but this has eased off throughout the afternoon.

I really hope that things start to improve soon as I feel all I am doing is posting how awful things are. I promise that I will try and have some cheerier posts asap! On a brighter note I am hoping to get back home tomorrow for the weekend again, all being well.

Day 3

Last night was pretty awful. Holly was sick lots. I had lots of strategically placed sick bowls around both beds so I was pretty confident I could lay my hands on them in the dark and with very little notice! She was quite comfortable after each time though, because she was asleep within seconds of being sick. I, however, found myself wide awake and reading at 4.30am.

This morning carried on in the same way. The docs upped her anti-sickness meds and this afternoon has been a bit better. The last two bags of stem cells were given today so that is the end of another stage. This should hopefully mean that the nausea should start to ease. I so hope that Holly will now start to feel a little better. She is very very quiet and that is not Holly. She is feeling totally fed up and I don't blame her.

She has just fell asleep now and I am hoping she gets to have a peaceful night (me too!).

Day 2

Holly had another comfortable night.

She is still feeling and being sick so is very quiet and subdued at the moment. She had platelets this morning and then it was time for her nose tube to be inserted. She was a bit upset at the beginning as it is quite unpleasant. The nurses just insert the tube into her nose and thread it down her throat and into her stomach. It is over very quickly and once Holly realised that, she let them do it. I cuddled her as they did it and it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be. This is possibly due to the efficiency and kindness of the wonderful nurses. I had debated leaving the room as they did it but I am very glad that I was there to hold her hand.

Holly's day got considerably brighter this afternoon. We had some "celebrity" visiters to the ward. Sam and Mark (CBBC presenters and former Pop Idol finalists) came to see Holly and brought a huge smile to her face. They stayed and chatted for a while and gave her some signed photos. It was great to see her so happy with them. Baring in mind she hadn't spoken all day (I am getting proficient at sign language as her throat is sore), she managed to say "they were cute!". I had to agree.

Two bags of stem cells today and two more tomorrow. Then hopefully the sickness will start to ease and the recovery process can begin.

Dad and Kirsty came to visit tonight so I took the opportunity to go for a long walk around the hospital grounds. It was a good way to blow off the cobwebs and have a break.

Day 1

After a very busy day Holly was exhausted. She slept and snored from about 7.30pm right through the night. She even missed Eastenders!

Her mouth looks a lot better today although she is still struggling with swallowing. She is managing to take some medicine but not others. After a discussion with the doctors it has been decided that the easiest thing may be to put a nose tube in tomorrow for taking medicine. This will not be a pleasant procedure but it will make things more comfortable for Holly while she is feeling rubbish.

I had a lovely coffee with my c2 friend Chris and her gorgeous little boy Gabe who were visiting the day unit. Gabe has also been through this process (with flying colours) and is an inspiration. I must say a huge thank you for Hollys presents (and thanks Aunty Toe too), and Gabes wonderful picture has pride of place on Hollys wall now. She was delighted but sad she couldn't see them both as she is in isolation. Its very theraputic to be able to talk to someone who really understands and I returned feeling very positive and refreshed.

The second lot of stem cells were transplanted today and all went smoothly. The taste and smell are still pretty overwhelming and it has made Holly sick a few times. She is still being incredibly brave and keeps apologising when she is sick! Considering what she is going through she is doing really well and I am so proud of her.

I would like to send all my thanks and love to Julie and all the girls for Sunday. They are doing a sponsored aerobathon to raise money for Holly and the Neuroblastoma Society. Good luck girls, we will be with you in spirit.

Day Zero

Well it was back to my home for the week this morning. I would love to say Holly was delighted to see me but she barely raised an eye when I arrived.

She had a comfortable night but has now got mucositis. This is an infection in the mouth and is a common side effect of chemo. It is very painful so therefore taking medicine is proving to be somewhat of a challenge. We have managed to take the most important medicines, but the rest have been relegated to the bin! The docs are ok with this and hopefully her mouth will improve in the next few days. If not the other option would be a nose tube to put the medicines through.

The stem cell transplant started today. Holly was very underwhelmed by the whole thing but I found it fascinating. She had 3 bags today and will have more on Tues / Weds and Thurs. This is due to the fact they managed to get quite a lot of cells and they are restricted to how much they can put back in per day due to the preservatives used. The bags are removed from the deep freeze container and then very quickly defrosted in a bath (shown in the photo). They then have to be put into her straight away and it takes 15mins. Holly had to be very closely monitored throughout and after the transplant. She was fine and pretty much dozed throughout it.

I was warned prior to the transplant that I would notice a strong smell of sweetcorn due to the preservatives. OMG it is overwhelming. Everything Holly does smells of sweetcorn, from her wee to her breath! This can last for a week, or maybe longer. I think it is safe to say that sweetcorn is very definitely off the menu for the forseeable future.

Even though she is very uncomfortable, everything that is happening is very common. We have been very lucky before this that she has had very little side effects of chemo. She is still being very brave and takes everything in her stride. It is difficult to see her so quiet and subdued. Never have I wished more for a bit of backchat and stroppiness!

Holly would like to say a huge thank you to Jane, Kev and their lovely kids for her present. Her eyes lit up at the huge box full of balloons, they were amazing. They made her smile so a big thank you from me too. The docs were also very impressed as they were all standing in the room when they were delivered.

Day Minus 1

It feels really strange to be posting from home.

Holly is still doing well. Her temperature has been fine and the only issue has been trying to convince her to take her medicines. Dad and Kirsty have done a great job, so much so that I have been advised today that I wasn't needed tonight either! I didn't know whether to feel insulted or pleased. I am actually incredibly pleased that she has overcome the need for me to be with her every night. This was the first time she has let anyone else stay since her diagnosis and I feel it is a huge step forward. Her levels have now dropped and she is neutropenic. She is officially in isolation and is not allowed out of her room until they have recovered.

She is still quite sleepy but has been awake more today. She is not in pain and says she feels better. She doesn't want to eat but that is only to be expected. Her throat is raw and she has been through so much this week. She is still being incredibly brave and I am amazed how strong she is.

I have had a lovely 2 days at home. Despite always thinking of Holly (and even dreaming of hospitals), I have needed this time away. The Little Monsters have made me laugh, Ben has been my rock and I am truly grateful for them all.

I will not be sorry to say goodbye to this week. It has been a tough one. Tomorrow is Holly's stem cell transplant, I am a little apprehensive and also a little excited. Please remember Holly in your thoughts and hope that these lovely new cells go and do their job.

I have to admit to being a very poor daughter this week. Happy Fathers Day Dad. I am sorry I didn't send you a card (I have phoned and grovelled). I know you are very busy looking after the "estate" in Ireland (haha). Looking forward to seeing you soon. You are the best. xxx