Its been more than 2 days and I can't quite believe that Holly has really gone.
Letting them take her body away on Friday was so hard, I wanted to stay with her and hold onto her. I kissed her one last time and let her go, I cried my eyes out.
After all the organising on Friday the weekend was one where nothing else could be achieved. I felt useless, bereft, felt like I should be doing something. I felt guilty that I was doing "normal" things like helping mum move house and doing the Tesco shop. How could I be in Tescos when my daughter had died on Friday?
The feelings are all over the place, I feel totally heartbroken that she is gone, yet relief that no one will be able to poke and prod her and put any more poison in her body.
We told Izzy that Holly was now an angel in Heaven with Jesus. She asked if Jesus would let her come back and be better so that they could do dancing again. Just when you think you are "dealing" with things, Izzy will say something totally innocent about Holly and it will set us off. Tonight she went to say goodnight to Holly. She shouted to make sure that Holly could hear her.
I have always believed that there is a Heaven and take comfort that she is happy and healthy now. I don't think it would be possible to carry on if I didn't believe that. I will share something with you and it may sound totally absurd. I was dozing on the bed with Izzy at lunchtime today. We were in the loft conversion, so the highest floor. I was just drifting off when I heard Holly's voice, so clearly, saying "Mum, I'm upstairs". It was so so clear. Please let it have been her, telling me she was ok. I am struggling a little at the moment, every time I let myself think, I keep going back to the moment she died. I keep thinking of her in my arms taking her last breath. I need to be able to think of her laughing and having fun. I am sure that will come in time.
Izzy and Harry are keeping us sane at the moment, indulging in naked wrestling after their bath last night! They are so innocent and life (thank goodness) has remained safe and stable for them. They are not really aware that anything has happened and they are so full of joy it is impossible not to be happy with them. I just have to learn not to feel guilty for enjoying them.
I will post funeral information as soon as I have it. We will see the funeral directors tomorrow. I know Holly touched a lot of people. Please know that everyone will be welcome to help us celebrate her life.
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One of my fondest memories of Holly is when a butterfly flew into our conservatory and she was absolutely determined that we should capture it in our fishing net and release it back into the garden unharmed. Her enthusiasm and sheer zest for life was uplifting and exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI am convinced she spoke to you to reassure you of her well being. When the mind is relaxed and uncluttered especially just before or after sleep is the best time to receive these messages.
I have always thought of you as the best mother in the world always caring and loving. I bless the day our son Ben came into your life.
There is no adequate comfort for the pain you feel but I have always loved the following attributed to Mary Wilkinson 1936:
'One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Thinking of you.
Grandpa to the two 'little monsters'
Never feel guilty for enjoying the little ones. You have known the worst aspect of being a mother, it is only fair that you should be allowed the best.
ReplyDeleteI am sure it was Holly that you heard; allow your beliefs to carry you through this terrible.
Love and prayers for you all
Antonia (Gabriel's Aunty Toe)
Hollyy was an amazing bright little girl :'(
ReplyDeletei was in year 11 at st marys but i was always there for her. she made everyone so happy. although she is younger than me, her illness has had a massive impact on my life and knowing i will never see her again breaks my heart. i remember her little face always smiling at me in school. she was amazingg (L)
St marys has lost a star, but heaven has gained an angel <3
iloveyou Holly xxx
Hi, my names Vanessa Ann.
ReplyDeleteI used to talk to Holly alot, so I'd say were good friends. When I heard that she'd passed away my heart just sunk, it was so devastating! :( so what me and my friends have done is organised a collection, to raise money for Holly and those with cancer/Neuroblastoma. Also we're getting little Holly a bench and a plaque in the new school saying "R.I.P Holly Calenti, loved by so many, never forgotton, 19.3.10" (if that's ok with you?) we're also doing a collage with loads of pictures of Holly..(again, if that's ok with you?)..She was such a fighter, God bless her soul, she's the most beautiful angel in heaven, no one and I mean no one will ever forget her! sweet dreams Holly darling :'( xxxx
Hi, my names marina, i'm from st marys and im in year 11.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe holly has passed away :( when i found out i didnt know what to do i was just stunned, i couldnt quite believe it. I got home that friday after school and just balled out crying remembering the last time i spoke to her.
She was a beautiful young girl always had a smile on her face and touched so many peoples hearts ♥
I'm going to be doing a collection with my friend who also knew holly well to be able to raise money for those battling Neuroblastoma.
I really wish i could of made it to the funeral today as i would of liked to of said my goodbyes to holly :'( she is going to missed incredibly ♥
My thoughts are with you kerry and your family at this sad time ♥♥
i will never forget you holly, i will come and visit you at your graveside, love you babe, sweet dreams ♥
:'( :( xxx
Hello. My name is Michael and I am a Spurs fan and online friend of Holly's Uncle Steve. I didnt know Holly but she sounded one truly remarkable and amazing little girl. I dont know quiet what to say but I in some way wanted to let you know that you are all in my prayers and my thoughts and if I could send you whatever strength that I have to help broaden your shoulders I must certainly woould.
ReplyDeleteI have had some terrible times over my life, recently losing my Mum to cancer just a few weeks before Holly's passing and I too(albeit very differently) can not get those final moments from my head. I am assurred that with time the happy memories return and replace the dificulty ones anf you move to a place of fond happiness not unbearable pain.
One final thing is that I lost my girlfriend, in a suddent asthma attack, when I was 17 years old which I will never ever forget. To this day, some 22 years later, I am still very close to her parents and I know from experience the pain of losing a child. The only grain of comfort I can give you is that they have gotten to a place of acceptance and the very much look back of Sarah's life as something magical, often very funny and pure and beautfil in every way. I know that this is a long way off but I do wish you all the courage, love and support the universe can give you all, not just know, but as your journey contiues. With very kind regards and prayers. Michael (also know as Hairy Barrell From the Lane)